Nothing in 500 Words

Well, here was my AP English assignment that I wrote today... It was very open ended, and meant to be fun. I was supposed to write absolutely nothing in 500 words in reply to an article entitled "How to write nothing in 500 words". Unfortunately, for all my effort, I couldn't manage to not make a point. To a friend who provided a wealth of contradictory writing examples that still stick in my brain to this day: Thanks. :-)

Well, here it is:
"First off, let me apologize. I am in no way an expert on articles, article writing, articles on writing, writers who write articles, or writers who write articles on writing to aid other writers. So, that being said, I humbly present my essay reviewing the article “How to say nothing in 500 words”. In this essay I will…1). *Ding* inform you in the art of writing nothing, 2). *Ding* throw aside hundreds of years of the evolution of the English language, 3). *Ding* tell you how to write good.

Generally, 500 words is an audaciously awesomely auspicious quantity of verbiage for an analytical essay. Fewer words would result in a vague obscurity, while more words can sound verbosely sesquipedalian. I believe that this is true. In my humble opinion, 500 words is the perfect quantity for writing nothing. In fact, so much nothing can be put into 500 words.
All things being equal, I could work my fingers to the bone and travel to the ends for the earth in search of original material. But, from where I sit, I prefer the easy way out when it’s all said and done. Under the cover of darkness, I could give the best years of my life to writing successfully. The pure and simple truth is that this is simply not the American way of life. Time and time again, we need to sit down and for all intents and purposes follow the true American norm: mediocrity.

But, we can change mediocrity into something so much better: embellished mediocrity! With a few simple short concise succinct keystrokes, we can turn a beautiful short sentence into a monstrously complex piece of prose full of busting with grody colloquialisms. An example: She ran. When polymorphed into an intelligent sentence, it reads: “This is the time when the female person about whom I am writing decided to take to her heels and swiftly sprint on a direction that was random and erratic”. See, wasn’t that so much more better?
Remember this: never ever back up your statements with facts. Facts often confuse and disorient your reader, and might dangerously subtract from your points or they may detract concepts your trying to present. If you bombard your reader with too many facts, they may become dazed and confused. Also avoid abstract analogies, they all too often end up like a panda in a golf cart.

Comparisons are just as bad, if not worse than abstract analogies. It’s very true.

In conclusion, 500 words is the perfect space in which to write nothing. To sum up, I prefer to write my nothings in the form of 500 words. In the end, I am entirely not an expert on the subject of writing. My humble and well-thought-out opinion is that it is completely entirely easy to write absolutely nothing in the space of 500 words. As I see it, why should I extend effort to make a piece of writing that’s actually meaningful when I can simply pump out 500 words of nothing in a fraction of the time?

The End."

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