Sunday's here, I wake up, wide awake and super happy. "YES, I'M GOING TO CHURCH TODAY!". I think about everything spiritual, I focus on praising God in worship, I relinquish my life to him again. I'm brought to my knees before him again. I stand in worship, all want is gone, all longing is gone, I think of nothing but God's glory, his mercy. The loneliness that I tend to experience seems so far away, and like it will never come back. I'm brought close to tears thanking God for taking it from me. I listen to a message based around rest for the weary. I feel revived, a new man(or guy, at least). I'm ok with the fact that I only have a few minute long conversations with my friends. I get in the car, still empowered by God's grace and that alone. Listen to David Crowder as we check out the Q's new house, and seeing if we can maneuver the horse trailer to see if we can help them move. I get home, eat lunch, still happy. I change into my lightest, yet most-covering clothes to get ready to move hay. I grab two bottles of water, walk outside, and as soon as I get out the door and look around. KABAM........ I'm run over. Flattened...Destroyed...For no reason... Just BANG. It hits me like a baseball hits a bat as its going it's fastest.
I'm in the middle of nowhere, away from everything I hold dear...In the heat of the day...About to go unload 175, 20 pound bales of hay with only my dad to help. Life stinks.
I sit here, typing, feeling like an empty shell of a person, whereas 12 hours ago I was ontop of the world. I HAVE NO IDEA WHY I FEEL THIS WAY. I really don't.... My life is great, really! But I just feel like this.
"I know something is broken, and I'm trying to fix it, trying to repair it. Any way I can..." -Coldplay
does everyone at my age feel this way or am I missing something?
-Wes
1 comment:
I'm laying on my bed, in the darkness, a few minutes from falling asleep. Then I feel it tugging at the corner of my mind. Ever try to control a thought? What is there to control?? And so it comes, 'cause I know it's never been resolved, just pushed away. First the dry thought: I will never end. God made me with an immortal soul. Then the horror comes, starting down in my stomach. Sometimes I just push it away blindly, but sometimes I have to give it a thought, 'cause it's a fact. Then it hits. It's a fact. Unchangeable. I know God is real, and the Bible is true. And thus, my self-aware SELF will never end, I will exist forever, stretching on and on and on, never to be concluded. The tightness in my stomach takes hold of my whole body as the reality of eternity enters me. All I can do is stuff a pillow in my mouth and try not to scream. . and try to beat back the thoughts. I cry out to Jesus, Who died on the cross for me. I literally stretch out my arm, lift it up..but He has never spoken back in those times, and my hand stays empty. I have to either blindly stuff the unaddressed thoughts back and set my mind on something else, or probably die. And that is not hyperbole. Even now my fingers are stiff, trembling, and sweating as I type.
Wes, sometimes God puts things in our lives that we don't understand and that are really, from what we see and experience, bad. But remember Youth Camp. He sees the whole puzzle, He knows what He's doing, and He loves you more dearly than we understand. He brutally killed His Son for you. That's all I can say. I'll still have my "brushes with eternity", and I think you'll still have times like you describe. Take 'em to God, and ask that He does His will. Not just that He take it away, or show you why He's doing it. But that His will will be done. 'Cause in the end, it's going to be way way better than we imagine. And that I firmly believe, so help me God.
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